I have started this blog for many reasons. Before I explain why, I will introduce myself. I’m a 25 year old, divorced, ex-Mormon. I call myself ex-Mormon, but I have not been excommunicated, nor have I went through the “official” steps of taking my name out of the records. Why? Well first, I hear it’s A LOT of trouble. Two, I still view the Mormon community as my family and don’t want to purposely put myself in a place that creates even MORE contention than I have already created. After all, these people watched me grow up. They are my family. I don’t really care to disassociate myself from the people of the Church.
I grew up Mormon. Participated in primary until I was 12. I was in the achievement day program from 8-12. I believe they call it Activity Day now. Went to Young Women’s from ages 12-18. Got married in the temple at age 22. Left the church when I was 24. It’s been about a year now. (If you’re not Mormon, a lot of that probably won’t make sense). Well anyway.. I think my real questions about the church started pretty early in my teen years. There were things I didn’t like and didn’t understand. Pieces stopped fitting together pretty early for me, but I was much more concerned about appearing to be a devout, rule following, leader respecting, and well loved Mormon girl. I grew up / live in a town where the Mormon community is pretty small. I felt like I somehow became an “example” in our ward pretty early. People seemed to really like me, and all the adults always told me how important and special I was. I felt a sense of pressure to be that star Mormon girl pretty early on. I felt accepted by everyone, and liked the role I was put in. I felt important.
This was all fine until I REALLY started questioning things later in high school. I felt my logic pulling me away from the church without any factual evidence the Church wasn’t true. For years I played this tug of war with myself. Was the Church really THE true church? Did Joseph Smith actually restore God’s church to the Earth in the last days? Was this the real deal? These questions were in my mind on a DAILY basis. A daily basis, for YEARS. It was a constant battle. From ages 17-21 I lived a double life. I was Mormon for my family and for the Church when it was time to be, and I was myself around my friends, which was two very different girls. This caused the greatest depression of my life that built up to a very strong bottoming out about 6 months after I got married. My world completely flipped upside down. (Disclaimer : Trying to summarize my life for 24 years is kind of challenging. I can’t remember exact ages for certain things, but these ages are approximate from what I can remember)
I’m writing this blog for two reasons. The first, as an outlet. I’ve never really let out all my feelings and thoughts about where I came from, where I’m going, and why I’m headed the direction I am. The other reason, is to reach out to at least one person. To help at least one person that is struggling and feeling trapped. And to let that person know, it’s okay. It’s okay to feel confused. It’s okay to not know what to do. It’s okay to doubt and question. It’s NOT okay to ignore your given logic. If you think something isn’t right, don’t let someone else’s logic created for you overpower your own brain. I encourage you to think for yourself. Not for someone else.